“I failed to make the chess team because of my height” said so, our dear Mr. Versatile, Woody Allen.
They say that chess is the game of the head and the one that is addictive too. But do you know that it is one of those too that elicit a lot of jokes. And, it is the one that Seinfeld and Costanza never forget to joke about. There are so many rib cracking chess jokes from around the world and this is a collection of the best ones yet… Please sit down and avoid kicking your chess set over as you enjoy all the jokes in this updated compilation.
Here is a gamut of the most hilarious, rib-tickling, kickchess, oops! kickass chess jokes that have been making rounds and are now eager to reach your ear. Can you top these chess jokes?
#1 Here the No. 1 matrimonial joke that none can beat
Husband: “What piece will you not find on a chess board?”
Wife: “Peace of mind apparently! What’s with all the questions?”
#2 The Archaic One about the Chess Grandmaster Harry and How He Lost his Bread
Many chess grandmasters in the 19th century used to make money off playing chess in coffeehouses and local bars. The rules were tad simple; the opponent would place their wager and they would get it back if they drew or won.
Harry was one such grandmaster and he used to get better of a regular, a poor guy called Tobby from down the village. Harry almost felt guilty for taking the poor chap’s money every night but he had to put a roof over his head and eat; and this guy was his buttered side of the bread. Really! One day, a daily drinking partner and close buddy at their favorite village joint asked him.
“What will you do when Tobby realizes that he’ll never beat you and walks away? You almost live off the poor fellow. How will you be making money then?”
Harry thought about it for a while and decided that maybe it was true and the poor guy would probably need some encouragement to keep him coming back. He was going to save his goose that laid him the golden eggs he boasted of while they drank more beer having a wonderful time. As always, Tobby was on time and he placed his wager again, as always.
When the game started, Harry got the idea to throw the game and let the guy win, just for this once. He thought it would be a good joke to share with his drinking buddies when they talked about it later. Now, truth be told, this poor guy was also very poor at chess and Harry was short of just laying his King down and walking away because he had done everything to let the guy win but in vain. At last and just by a stroke of luck the poor guy beat Harry. He leaped up in the air shouting.
“I’m the champion of the world!” all the way home.
And that’s how Harry found himself living in the streets!
So, if you want to avoid this situation learn playing chess.
#3 Here’s the One with Chess and/as the Love Interest
How do you know that you’re addicted to chess?
That is simple chum! Just subtract the sum of all the love relationships you’ve ever had in your life from the number of chess computer programs you’ve owned in your entire lifetime and see if you end up with a positive number. Voila!
#4 Here’s the One that Beats the Chess Wizard Husband
A chess grandmaster was bragging to his wife about his super computer brain and how he always thought ahead of everyone. But his wife simply turned to him and told him that she had placed his chess set in their new safe and the code was 1608.
So, Mr. Chess Grandmaster goes, “Now you see… this is not a good combination for a code if you wanted a number someone would never forget. Probably rounding it off to the nearest 5 or 10 would have been ok. There’s no way I’m going to remember that!”
The wife looked at him with shock mixed with confusion writ all over her face and almost yelled her top off as she walked away exclaiming… “That’s the 16th of August and it’s our anniversary!”
#5 A Rolling Stone Gathers No Moss
So, this guy thinks he can pick up chicks at the bar with his smarts or whatever you may call it. He sees a cute girl wear glasses sitting at the far end of the counter and walks up to her with beaming confidence thinking he can fake an intellectual in order to woo her.
“Hi! I’m the chess captain of our community team.” He says with a sly corner grin that melts the girl’s heart.
“Oh yeah? What’s your move then?” she asks, almost inviting him to sit down.
He had not really thought that far so he decided to wing it.
“I’m so deadly that all my friends don’t dare play with me. They keep complaining about me not understanding the rules but I think it’s because I’m the best. I roll double sixes nearly 7 times out of 10!” he replied, feeling good that his pick up line was going to work this time too.
She woke up and walked away!
#6 Three Cheers for the 120 IQ Pooch
You’ve probably heard this about the man playing chess with a dog at the park, right?
I mean, with a brain like his who wouldn’t have enjoyed being the dog?
# 7. Here’s the One about the Swearing at the Queer Game
“C’mon son, knock his teeth out!” a father calls out to his son. “Kick his fucking arse!”
Later while going home his wife tells him that he can’t come to support his son at his games anymore because he made a spectacle of himself and made everyone stare all night.
“That’s ok I didn’t like the way they were staring at me either. Chess is for butt huggers anyway!”
#8 MJ and Chess Nevermore! Hee-Hee!
Q: How did Michael Jackson get chess banned in Neverland?
A: Everybody just couldn’t take it anymore… Every time they asked him if he wanted black or white he rose and sang his you know what song and held his you know what as he did the moonwalk for 2 hours! Hee-Hee!
#9. Here the One about Winning the Bread
What’s the difference between a large size pizza and a professional chess player?
The pizza can comfortably feed a family of 6!
#10. Here’s that One Hilarious Question
Is it right to pawn a chess set? :P
#11. Here’s the One about the Chess Sabbath
A chess player dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates he meets St. Peter who is ready with a set of rules. When he gets to the 6th rule the chess player turns and starts to leave which baffles Peter.
“Hey, why are you leaving we have 30 more rules on what to eat…” asks a puzzled Peter.
“Forget it… No chess on Sunday?”
#12. Uh Oh! Wrong Move!
“My wife said that I should stop online chess or else…”
“Or else what?”
“Can I sleep in your basement for this week?”
# 13. Pah! It’s a Full House
Botvinnik died and went to heaven. St. Peter is there as always letting people in or directing them to the gates of hell. Botvinnik sees Korchnoi go into heaven and thinks to himself, “Good, grandmaster chess players get to enter the heaven… ” and he can’t wait to announce to St. Peter that he is one of the greatest chess players who should get the best mansions. When he got in front of Peter he announced boastfully.
“I was one the of the greatest chess players in the world. I once beat a master in 12 moves!”
St. Peter shakes his head. “I’m sorry we’re not taking in anymore chess players since yesterday.”
“Why? I just saw Korchnoi go in…” asked Botvinnik in astonishment.
“Oh, forget that one… he only thinks he’s a chess player!”
#14. Welcome to the Pawn Republic
I hate it here – it’s a fucking disgrace! All we ordinary folk are trying to do is move forward which sometimes is impossible. Being in the middle of a fucking war doesn’t help things either. Ok, I know we started all this but these black faggots are really putting up a mean fight.
Don’t get me started on our king… he always gets into situations where we have to help him and he barely seems capable of doing anything for himself. He’s just a fucking liability but you can’t blame him. The queen is of course a total bitch and you know she gets around… doing all she feels like.
Our religious system is broken and people have lost faith. Why can’t all bishops go straight? Our military’s tactics are seemingly going over our fucking heads, literally!
Men fuck it… its shit being a pawn.
#15. So, What on Earth is Chess?
Chess: The only scenario where it’s ok for straight men to make moves on each other.
Chess: The only scenario where a black bishop could take a white queen from behind and not face the hangman’s noose.
#16. Sshh…..Hush that Now!
Q: Mark is playing a game of chess with Emanuel. He states that since he can win, draw or lose, he has 1/3 probability that he’ll win the game. Explain why Mark is wrong.
A: Emanuel’s other name is Lasker but don’t fools know…
Q: John is playing a game of chess with Alexander. He states that he can win, lose or draw therefore he has 1/3 probability he will win. Explain why John is wrong?
A: Alexander is Chinese!
#17. Why you Chess Car
Boy A: “My stupid dog can play chess all day long”
Boy B: “Wow! Smart dog. Can he beat me?”
Boy A: “Why would you want to chess cars with Rulf?”
#18. The Knight can’t Toe the Straight Line
A knight is on his way home when he’s stopped by a patrol car.
“You were swerving all over the road back there… sir, can you walk in a straight line for me please.”
“Awww, Shit!” thought the knight.
#19. The Skill Transfer
My computer always beats me at chess.
I’d like to see my new atom laptop do it when I transfer the program.
(Know the great mystery of playing chess online)
#20 Too Fat to Castle
A boy comes home from school looking sad.
Boy: “Why do they always pick me last for games?” he asked almost crying.
Older Brother: “Because you’re a fat ass who can’t run that’s why…”
Boy: “We were playing chess…”
#21 Check Mate at the Interview
At a job interview… a young man is asked by the interviewing officer
“What do you consider to be your greatest achievement?”
After thinking for a while the young man smiles and answers proudly.
“I once beat the under 10 National Chess Champion…”
This impresses the interviewing officer.
“Wow! You are also good at chess?”
To what the young man quickly replies with a disgusted look on his face.
“Hell no! I just kicked his scrawny bitch ass and farted on his face!”
#22 Here’s the One with the Dry-Spell
A guy is busy bursting moves on the dance floor trying to impress a girl when she shouts. “Maybe you’re good at chess and all… but for the love of God, put your phone away!”
#23 Meet the Parents
A young man goes to pick up his new girlfriend at her house and finds that she’s not ready yet. Her father lets him in and invites him to sit down.
“She’s only putting on her make-up… she won’t be long. Care for a game of chess?”
#24 Knock Knock Knockin’ on a Chess Player’s Door
Q: How do you make sure the door is answered immediately when you arrive at the door of a chess player?
A: Easy! Drive by their house ring the door bell, and then go drink at the bar for five hours. You will find the chess player at the door by the time you get back.
#25 A Sitting Game of Bureaucrats
Q: What’s common between the civil service at Washington DC and a game of chess?
A: Both have people just sitting down for hours staring at nothing and not moving a muscle!
#26 You Gotta Be Kiddin’ Mate!
I was completely ripped off the other day! I took my wife to one of those routine boring trips to the bookstore. As usual I wait by the book stand near the door pretending I’m looking for something and that’s when it caught my eye.
“NEWLY TRANSLATED FROM GERMAN: 40 AMAZING MATING MOVES”
I thought great… something for me too and hurriedly took it over to the checkout counter so that I could have it wrapped before my wife came back. I was too excited and couldn’t wait to get home. Upon getting to the house I went straight to my study away from my wife to sneak a peek before I could come back later at night to savor the rest of the content. The horror when I finally opened the book… I had bought a book about Chess!!!
#27 The Replacement Tycoons
Two friends discussing business…
Guy 1: I’m thinking of opening a pawn shop… what do you think mate?
Guy 2: I don’t know where you got that dumb idea from but good luck selling replacement chess pieces!
#28 Moving Out and About
Roy: Why did Mike get kicked out of the chess tournament yesterday? I know he’s new to such competitions but he’s pretty good for an early exit.
Ron: He was playing a cute girl and after waiting for a long time for him to play the girl called at Mike asking him if he was ready to make his move.
Roy: So what’s wrong with that? I bet he nailed her with the killer move he made, right?
Ron: He nailed her alright… he ran his hand up her skirt!
#29 Here’s the One about the Hypocritical Sport
I just don’t get it…! Why would guys claim that they love their sport then cry immediately someone kicks them slightly on the head?
Take this guy I was playing chess with yesterday…
#30 Dr. Le Quack
My doctor said that I needed to get into a sport 3 times a week for a month if I wanted to lose some weight. I think he’s a quack because I played chess all month and haven’t lost a single gram!
#31 Here are Three Epic Jokes about the Jokes on Chess
#1 Your draw offer sends everyone in the audience watching your amusement into wild giggling.
#2 Your adversary has three bishops.
# Q: “What number of individuals at a chess competition does it take to change a light?”
One to whine about the lighting levels;
One to say that he supposes the lighting is OK;
One to recommend that somebody calls the judge;
One to go and call the referee;
One to think back at the lighting levels at the 1947 competition at Hastings;
One to whine about the aggravation the others are bringing about, both referees; and
One to say that he thought the lighting to be better before they changed it.
#32 The Original George Costanza Joke
George Costanza and his girlfriend are playing a game of chess.
George: “Ah! you got no spot to go. I’ll tell ya what your issue is; ya brought your ruler out too quick. What do you believe? She’s one of these women’s activists hoping to escape the house? Nah! The ruler is antiquated, likes to stay home, cook, deal with her man…makes beyond any doubt he feels great.”
George: “I don’t think we ought to see one another any longer.”
And this one is the bonus you get for having show your 32 teeth for our hilarious chess jokes!
#The Personal Loss of a Dim Square Minister
Well, I was at my school chess club a day or two ago and I understand a dark bishop was lost from one of the sets. So, I enquired whether as to anybody was feeling the loss of a dim square bishop. I understood in a flash of a second what I had accidently said when my educator responded that he was, unfortunately, missing a light square minister however, his dull squared religious administrator had. No one else got it though.
# The Parting Shot. You Take It.
Well, this was our collection of the most antique and the freshest jokes on chess. But, we are sure you have more that have been going around in your circles. So, here’s something for you too – a cue to tell us how funny you are. Do you have a funny bone? Well, if you do, it’s time to take your shot at this one:
“Why did the King hide behind the Bishop…?”
Finish that with a snappy and deadly original chess joke. It’s your move.